Parenting the Neurodiverse Kiddo is Tough
When you are a parent of a neurodiverse kiddo it can feel like one of the loneliest walks. No one can truly understand the unique challenges that you face in your life. Each child is so unique and different as it is, then throw in some extra special qualities that require increased knowledge, finances, time, patience, and often times additional tears and you can easily become overwhelmed.
I knew from the time my son was a baby there was something special about him. He never wanted to be swaddled, was always looking around when nursing, and was running by 9 months old. He was always on the go, full speed ahead, no fear. I remember taking him to the pediatrician at 3 and asking, is this normal? Normal compared to what really? Normal compared to all the other kiddos his age. She assured me that it was still within the “normal range” even though it was on the high side. What we found is what is normal for our son, isn’t what the world would call “normal.”
We then were thrust into learning about Sensory Processing Disorders and about how his little body craved movement but his brain was never getting the signal it was moving so it was a never ending cycle of go go go. We learned about ADHD, impulsivity, anxiety, OCD, dyslexia, and dysgraphia. I read and read and read. I sought out those more knowledgable than me and picked their brains as much as they would let me. As a teacher you would think I would have had better training on these things but what I realized and what I continue to realize is that teachers do not, and they desperately need to.
We researched and tried every holistic, natural, organic thing we could to help him, I mean he was only 5 at the time. I ended up leaving my teaching career to be able to stay home to fully help him, especially since he needed so desperately to recover from a very bad kindergarten public school experience.
I remember when my son was in 7th grade, we were setting at yet again another IEP meeting fighting to get him the accommodations and support he needed, as I sat at this table surrounded by experts who had evaluated my son in various areas with a variety of tests over the past two months one thing became brilliantly clear, I know my child, more than anyone else. I know his struggles, I know his needs, and I know who he is as a person. All these tests just confirmed what I already knew and highlighted things we were already working on at home with him and with outside help.
The one thing that stood out to me the most was that my sons self evaluation of himself and my self evaluation of him were very, very similar. That showed me that I really do get him, my heart was full. Many times as special needs parents we feel the weight of the challenge and often question our own ability to parent these special kiddos. We often hear that the real reason these children are they way they are is because of us the parents, that is not true. We take a lot of the heat as their advocates and a lot of the blame, but in that meeting 5 years ago, was a beautiful moment of confirmation for me, one that had been years in the making (9 to be exact).
My son, a senior this year, is an amazing young man, polite, hard working, motivated to succeed, and successful. I had fought to show everyone that for years, and about a year ago he thanked me. He new that without my support, fight, and advocacy he could have went down a different path. All those teachers who deemed him a discipline problem because he couldn't sit still, who told him he was lazy as he struggled to read and write with dyslexia and dysgraphia, who said I was to enabling by standing up for him when they attached his character, to those teachers who disciplined him for his tics after multiple meetings, and wrote him off as human being. It all paid off, it was worth it all. All of the time, all of the money, all of the sacrifice, all of the tears, all of the loneliness, all of the frustration, all of the doubt, all of it has been justified.
He is a visual learner, as 95% of my Executive Function Clients are. This unique and rare learning style is not served in the traditional school setting. He is a child whose body needs movement and frequent breaks to be able to learn. Although he may seem distracted as he bounces and wiggles he is actually hearing you, but that is just part of what makes him special. He is above all an amazing human being worth being known for the truth of who he is. Each and every one of us do. We have told him for years that his diagnosis' doesn’t define him, that it is just a tool in helping him understanding who he is, his body's needs, and how he learns. It is just a tool not a definition, and I teach my clients and parents that as well. These kids are amazing, their brains uniquely creative, and they are a joy to know.
Neurodiverse parenting is hard, it is often lonely, and it has its own unique demands that parents of non neurodiverse kiddos never have to experience. If you are a parent of a neurodiverse child looking for support, encouragement, or just someone else who can understand what you are going through, I’d love to invite you to join our parent/partner support group starting in September. This group provides a place of encouragement, friendship, and additional knowledge as you walk this journey with others.
